The Importance of Choosing a Good Name

Choosing a baby name can be a long and laborious process. Some people want something pretty. Some want something with religious significance. Some parents want something noble, and others want to use a family name. However, nobody wants a name that reminds them of someone they hate. Since I pretty much hate everyone, picking Hailey's name was especially difficult.

Traci and I went back and forth for months trying to find the perfect name for our daughter. We would play name games, going through the entire alphabet and listing as many names for each letter as we could. It was fun to offer up names like Beulah, Traci, Jr., Shananay and Asswipe (pronounced Oz-wee-pay.) As usual, Traci didn't appreciate my levity.

Then we started pouring through baby books to get some fresh ideas. Incidentally, baby books can be a rip off. They often have titles like 100,000 Baby Names, but when you open them you see that they are counting dozens of variations for each name. For example, William has 18 variations listed (William, Bill, Billy, Billie, Guglielmo, Guillame, Guillermo, Liam, Wilek, Wilhelm, Will, Willem, Willi, Willy, Willie, Willis, Wilmar and Wilmer.) No matter what the cover says, you are probably paying for only a few thousand names.

However, the baby name books are quite handy for looking up name meanings. I had no idea that so many perfectly normal names have such goofy meanings behind them. Here's a quick sample:

Ashley - from the ash tree meadow
Tabitha - gazelle
Parker - guardian of the park
Barbara - stranger (So when you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, you are really telling them not to talk to Barbaras.)
Tara - rocky pinnacle
Nigel - black (Nigel makes me think of a stuffy English butler, which is pretty much the opposite of black.)
Leslie -from the gray fortress
Jeff - goat anus (HA! Just kidding. Jeff really means horse anus.)

My own name means "black river," which conjures up images of a sewage treatment plant. Of course, none of these are as bad as the New Zealand couple who named their child "Superman." Why not just name your child "Human Punching Bag," since that's what he will be on the playground when he gets older?

Superman: "Hey guys, can I play Hot Wheels with you?
Kid with Normal Name: "Sure. You can use this red one. What's your name, kid?"
Superman: "Superman."
Kid with Normal Name: "Ohhhh, really??? What, you think you're better than me? POW!"

Except that he won't actually say "pow," it would just the sound of his fist hitting Superman in the nose. More sounds would follow, but they would mainly consist of Superman's sobbing as the other fourth graders gang up on him.

Of course, you can't blame the couple for giving their kid such an unconventional name. The New Zealand government shot down their first choice, "4Real." Ladies and gentlemen, this is why you shouldn't smoke pot when picking a name.

Anyhoo, back to our daughter's name...we agreed that Hailey was a pretty name, and it means "heroine." That's a female hero, not the drug, which is spelled "heroin." In keeping with a household tradition, I also gave her the nickname of Princess Fussypants. The dog is Baby Stinkbutt and the wife is...well, she is just Traci, or sometimes Dear. She has some nicknames for me, as well, but none of them are clean enough to publish here.