Safe Baby Handling Tips

I was reading some other baby blogs last night when I came to the realization that none of them are as spectacularly awesome as this one. Even so, I did find some hilarious pictures from a book called Safe Baby Handling Tips by David and Kelly Sopp. The book is available at Amazon, so be sure to buy a copy so they don't sue me for posting some of their pictures here.

The Importance of Choosing a Good Name

Choosing a baby name can be a long and laborious process. Some people want something pretty. Some want something with religious significance. Some parents want something noble, and others want to use a family name. However, nobody wants a name that reminds them of someone they hate. Since I pretty much hate everyone, picking Hailey's name was especially difficult.

Traci and I went back and forth for months trying to find the perfect name for our daughter. We would play name games, going through the entire alphabet and listing as many names for each letter as we could. It was fun to offer up names like Beulah, Traci, Jr., Shananay and Asswipe (pronounced Oz-wee-pay.) As usual, Traci didn't appreciate my levity.

Then we started pouring through baby books to get some fresh ideas. Incidentally, baby books can be a rip off. They often have titles like 100,000 Baby Names, but when you open them you see that they are counting dozens of variations for each name. For example, William has 18 variations listed (William, Bill, Billy, Billie, Guglielmo, Guillame, Guillermo, Liam, Wilek, Wilhelm, Will, Willem, Willi, Willy, Willie, Willis, Wilmar and Wilmer.) No matter what the cover says, you are probably paying for only a few thousand names.

However, the baby name books are quite handy for looking up name meanings. I had no idea that so many perfectly normal names have such goofy meanings behind them. Here's a quick sample:

Ashley - from the ash tree meadow
Tabitha - gazelle
Parker - guardian of the park
Barbara - stranger (So when you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, you are really telling them not to talk to Barbaras.)
Tara - rocky pinnacle
Nigel - black (Nigel makes me think of a stuffy English butler, which is pretty much the opposite of black.)
Leslie -from the gray fortress
Jeff - goat anus (HA! Just kidding. Jeff really means horse anus.)

My own name means "black river," which conjures up images of a sewage treatment plant. Of course, none of these are as bad as the New Zealand couple who named their child "Superman." Why not just name your child "Human Punching Bag," since that's what he will be on the playground when he gets older?

Superman: "Hey guys, can I play Hot Wheels with you?
Kid with Normal Name: "Sure. You can use this red one. What's your name, kid?"
Superman: "Superman."
Kid with Normal Name: "Ohhhh, really??? What, you think you're better than me? POW!"

Except that he won't actually say "pow," it would just the sound of his fist hitting Superman in the nose. More sounds would follow, but they would mainly consist of Superman's sobbing as the other fourth graders gang up on him.

Of course, you can't blame the couple for giving their kid such an unconventional name. The New Zealand government shot down their first choice, "4Real." Ladies and gentlemen, this is why you shouldn't smoke pot when picking a name.

Anyhoo, back to our daughter's name...we agreed that Hailey was a pretty name, and it means "heroine." That's a female hero, not the drug, which is spelled "heroin." In keeping with a household tradition, I also gave her the nickname of Princess Fussypants. The dog is Baby Stinkbutt and the wife is...well, she is just Traci, or sometimes Dear. She has some nicknames for me, as well, but none of them are clean enough to publish here.

Baby Toupee

Hailey is barely three weeks old at this point, but she already seems a little insecure about her lack of hair. I am thinking about getting her a baby toupee in order to boost her self-esteem. What do you think?

Update: I posted the above video as a joke, but it turns out there is actually a baby toupee company!

Dirty Deeds

Did you know that the average three-week old baby can produce up to 14 tons of poop a week?*

Part of becoming a new parent is learning about waste management. Before Hailey arrived, I didn't know a thing about changing babies, but now I am an expert. For instance, did you know that a diaper genie isn't really a genie at all? Some people think its an ethereal being that makes your dirty diapers disappear just by blinking its eyes. Not so. It's really just a glorified trash can. I know, I was disappointed, too.

Anyway, if you are new to changing diapers, like I was, this video should be helpful. “Vanessa” even shows you how to prevent getting getting squirted with urine by utilizing a Karate Kid-style diaper block. The only part that was a bit confusing was when Vanessa says, “If it's a boy, we're going to want to point it so that its down...or up, depending on your boy.” Huh? I guess you should ask your baby how its hanging before you begin.

*This figure is entirely false.

Two Weeks and Counting

Hailey has now been with us for two entire weeks, and it has been an incredible adjustment. Since we chose to breastfeed, Traci is getting up 2-3 times a night and is becoming sleep-deprived. Since I took off work for a few weeks, I am trying to relieve her during the day so she can sneak off and take a nap whenever possible.

For the most part Hailey has been good. She's more active during the morning and likes to stare at everything. The dog, the TV, the window, whatever. Most crying fits can be remedied by either feeding or changing her diaper. But then one day she suffered what I like to call

THE MELTDOWN!

Last Friday we took Hailey with us to visit some friends. although she slept most of the time, we still stayed out much later than she was used to. We didn't get home and put her to bed until midnight, which threw off her schedule. The next day she was an absolute terror. No amount of feeding, changing or rocking could stop the crying. We have all been around crying babies before, and for most its a temporary annoyance. But when its your baby, you have to stay there and soothe it until she calms down, which in our case, took about four hours. The best analogy I can offer is that its like having someone blowing an air horn in your ear for an afternoon. Traci and I vowed to never go to another party again.

When you are pregnant, everyone gives you literature about the hazards of shaking your baby. "Isn't this common sense?" we thought. Who in the world would get so angry as to shake an infant? Well, that was before I experienced four hours straight of crying. Let me stress here that I would never do anything to harm my child. That said, I can see how some impatient souls can become frustrated and do the unthinkable.

We had another smaller meltdown a few days later, but this time we attributed it to gas. One of Traci's friends recommended Mylicon, and trust me, its bottled magic. We squirted a drop in her mouth before feeding and she settled right down. If you have an infant, this product definitely deserves a spot in your medicine cabinet.