Safe Baby Handling Tips

I was reading some other baby blogs last night when I came to the realization that none of them are as spectacularly awesome as this one. Even so, I did find some hilarious pictures from a book called Safe Baby Handling Tips by David and Kelly Sopp. The book is available at Amazon, so be sure to buy a copy so they don't sue me for posting some of their pictures here.

The Importance of Choosing a Good Name

Choosing a baby name can be a long and laborious process. Some people want something pretty. Some want something with religious significance. Some parents want something noble, and others want to use a family name. However, nobody wants a name that reminds them of someone they hate. Since I pretty much hate everyone, picking Hailey's name was especially difficult.

Traci and I went back and forth for months trying to find the perfect name for our daughter. We would play name games, going through the entire alphabet and listing as many names for each letter as we could. It was fun to offer up names like Beulah, Traci, Jr., Shananay and Asswipe (pronounced Oz-wee-pay.) As usual, Traci didn't appreciate my levity.

Then we started pouring through baby books to get some fresh ideas. Incidentally, baby books can be a rip off. They often have titles like 100,000 Baby Names, but when you open them you see that they are counting dozens of variations for each name. For example, William has 18 variations listed (William, Bill, Billy, Billie, Guglielmo, Guillame, Guillermo, Liam, Wilek, Wilhelm, Will, Willem, Willi, Willy, Willie, Willis, Wilmar and Wilmer.) No matter what the cover says, you are probably paying for only a few thousand names.

However, the baby name books are quite handy for looking up name meanings. I had no idea that so many perfectly normal names have such goofy meanings behind them. Here's a quick sample:

Ashley - from the ash tree meadow
Tabitha - gazelle
Parker - guardian of the park
Barbara - stranger (So when you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, you are really telling them not to talk to Barbaras.)
Tara - rocky pinnacle
Nigel - black (Nigel makes me think of a stuffy English butler, which is pretty much the opposite of black.)
Leslie -from the gray fortress
Jeff - goat anus (HA! Just kidding. Jeff really means horse anus.)

My own name means "black river," which conjures up images of a sewage treatment plant. Of course, none of these are as bad as the New Zealand couple who named their child "Superman." Why not just name your child "Human Punching Bag," since that's what he will be on the playground when he gets older?

Superman: "Hey guys, can I play Hot Wheels with you?
Kid with Normal Name: "Sure. You can use this red one. What's your name, kid?"
Superman: "Superman."
Kid with Normal Name: "Ohhhh, really??? What, you think you're better than me? POW!"

Except that he won't actually say "pow," it would just the sound of his fist hitting Superman in the nose. More sounds would follow, but they would mainly consist of Superman's sobbing as the other fourth graders gang up on him.

Of course, you can't blame the couple for giving their kid such an unconventional name. The New Zealand government shot down their first choice, "4Real." Ladies and gentlemen, this is why you shouldn't smoke pot when picking a name.

Anyhoo, back to our daughter's name...we agreed that Hailey was a pretty name, and it means "heroine." That's a female hero, not the drug, which is spelled "heroin." In keeping with a household tradition, I also gave her the nickname of Princess Fussypants. The dog is Baby Stinkbutt and the wife is...well, she is just Traci, or sometimes Dear. She has some nicknames for me, as well, but none of them are clean enough to publish here.

Baby Toupee

Hailey is barely three weeks old at this point, but she already seems a little insecure about her lack of hair. I am thinking about getting her a baby toupee in order to boost her self-esteem. What do you think?

Update: I posted the above video as a joke, but it turns out there is actually a baby toupee company!

Dirty Deeds

Did you know that the average three-week old baby can produce up to 14 tons of poop a week?*

Part of becoming a new parent is learning about waste management. Before Hailey arrived, I didn't know a thing about changing babies, but now I am an expert. For instance, did you know that a diaper genie isn't really a genie at all? Some people think its an ethereal being that makes your dirty diapers disappear just by blinking its eyes. Not so. It's really just a glorified trash can. I know, I was disappointed, too.

Anyway, if you are new to changing diapers, like I was, this video should be helpful. “Vanessa” even shows you how to prevent getting getting squirted with urine by utilizing a Karate Kid-style diaper block. The only part that was a bit confusing was when Vanessa says, “If it's a boy, we're going to want to point it so that its down...or up, depending on your boy.” Huh? I guess you should ask your baby how its hanging before you begin.

*This figure is entirely false.

Two Weeks and Counting

Hailey has now been with us for two entire weeks, and it has been an incredible adjustment. Since we chose to breastfeed, Traci is getting up 2-3 times a night and is becoming sleep-deprived. Since I took off work for a few weeks, I am trying to relieve her during the day so she can sneak off and take a nap whenever possible.

For the most part Hailey has been good. She's more active during the morning and likes to stare at everything. The dog, the TV, the window, whatever. Most crying fits can be remedied by either feeding or changing her diaper. But then one day she suffered what I like to call

THE MELTDOWN!

Last Friday we took Hailey with us to visit some friends. although she slept most of the time, we still stayed out much later than she was used to. We didn't get home and put her to bed until midnight, which threw off her schedule. The next day she was an absolute terror. No amount of feeding, changing or rocking could stop the crying. We have all been around crying babies before, and for most its a temporary annoyance. But when its your baby, you have to stay there and soothe it until she calms down, which in our case, took about four hours. The best analogy I can offer is that its like having someone blowing an air horn in your ear for an afternoon. Traci and I vowed to never go to another party again.

When you are pregnant, everyone gives you literature about the hazards of shaking your baby. "Isn't this common sense?" we thought. Who in the world would get so angry as to shake an infant? Well, that was before I experienced four hours straight of crying. Let me stress here that I would never do anything to harm my child. That said, I can see how some impatient souls can become frustrated and do the unthinkable.

We had another smaller meltdown a few days later, but this time we attributed it to gas. One of Traci's friends recommended Mylicon, and trust me, its bottled magic. We squirted a drop in her mouth before feeding and she settled right down. If you have an infant, this product definitely deserves a spot in your medicine cabinet.

She's Here!

Traci called me at work with the news. It was 2:30 in the afternoon and her water had broken while she was at home. I said my goodbyes to my co-workers as I raced out the door. By the time I arrived home Traci's contractions were pretty painful and were only about three minutes apart. YIKES!

We loaded up the car and immediately headed to the hospital. We had heard that the wife feels every pothole on the way to the hospital, and Traci confirmed that it was true. On the way we said a prayer asking God to grant Traci a quick and relatively easy labor, and apparently he was listening. We entered the delivery room at 3:45 p.m. and Hailey arrived at 5:59 p.m. I'm not sure if that is a record, but you have to admit its pretty impressive. They say that subsequent children arrive even faster. Ever see that scene in Big Fish where the baby shoots out of the birth canal and slides down the hospital hallway as doctors and nurses jump out of the way? That's how I picture the birth of our second child.

Even more impressive was the fact that Traci succeeded in a completely natural childbirth. There was no epidural, C-section or drugs of any kind. Way to go, Traci! She is my new hero (Sorry, Green Lantern.)

Since it all happened so fast, we didn't really get to use a lot of the techniques suggested by the Bradley Method folks. We had basically skipped right past first stage labor and were quickly entering the transition phase when we arrived at the hospital. Traci's cervix went from 3 to 9 centimeters in roughly an hour. As Traci pushed and grunted, I couldn't help but think of Pink's song, "I'm coming out."

"I'm coming out, so ya better get this party started...."

By the way, that will be the last time I mention Pink in my blog. My apologies to anyone with an ounce of taste.

The doctor we had chosen for the delivery wasn't on-call that day, but the back-up, Dr. Butler, did a great job. He and the nurse were wonderful cheerleaders, enthusiastically encouraging Traci to push when the time came. I was supposed to be the coach, but my voice was drowned out by theirs. Not that I am complaining. They were doing great and have a lot more experience at birthing babies than I.

There was some meconium in Traci's uterus, which the doctors were concerned about. For those of you that don't know, meconium is the baby's first poop, and it can happen while still inside the mother. When this happens, it can lead to problems -- one of the rare times I don't find poop funny -- but the baby later checked out fine.

Even though I hate blood, needles and hospitals in general, I have to admit that it was a magical experience. When Hailey came out, covered in gunk, she was still incredibly beautiful.

Our new baby weighed six pounds, 14 ounces and was 20 inches long. She passed all of her tests at the hospital (already an honor student!) and we finally came home this afternoon. Traci mentioned that it all seemed surreal, and she was right. We were actually driving home with a baby -- not a fidgety Australian Shepherd -- in the back seat. Life will never be the same again.

More images are available here.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

As of this writing, our little girl is ten days late. She was due December 16, but apparently she wasn't interested in arriving before Christmas. Which reminds me - if anyone would like a good deal on some newborn "Christmas" clothes, send me an email! Being the frugal one of the house, I suggested we turn them into bibs - or possibly a cape - once the baby arrives, but my wife, Traci, didn't seem to like that suggestion.

Despite her tardiness, all signs are pointing to a healthy baby. The heart rate, activity, fluid levels, etc. all look positive. My wife and I are going to use The Bradley Method of natural childbirth. so we want to avoid induction for as long as possible. In a nutshell, The Bradley Method teaches nutrition, exercises and stretching in order to minimize the pain of childbirth. The ultimate goal is to have a drug-free birthing process. We took a 12-week course to prepare ourselves for the big day.

Since we were going the natural route, we wanted to avoid an induction. However, when my wife was more than a week overdue, we took the doctor's advice and scheduled an induction for this Friday, December 28. With any luck the baby will come on her own before then.

Both Traci and I are anxious for the baby to arrive. the nursery is finished, the closet is well-stocked with toys and clothes, the books have been read, the videos have been watched, the showers have been held...at this point we are as ready as we will ever be. As Tom Petty once said, the waiting is the hardest part.

I am asking all of our friends and family to pray for Traci to have quick and uneventful child birth. You can also pray for me, if you like, since I will soon be outnumbered by females in the house 3-1. Yes, I am counting the dog.